Letter To Celisen, 17th September 2018


Let’s just say, people know about you and me. And that might just be my fault.

I am not sure if an apology suffices, but within the narrow boundaries of meagre things I can provide you, it the best which I can offer now. Your angry quiet is very plausibly vindicated, and it’s fitting that even you reach out to yourself, for introspection is to the soul what water is to thirst.

Your reticence led to voids in my nights. There were gaps wherein I could not do, see hear or think anything. As you know, I’ve been there before, but back then you were the escape, and now you were the cause. Despite that, these voids weren’t troubling as many.

You see, things have changed. Times have changed. And probably, I’ve changed as well. As someone who forays into the wilderness out of choice rather than curiosity, I found myself stuck in a vivid maze of machines and bricks – an utterly new dimension of wilderness. Although I am not very certain that I’ve changed perceptively, I leave the deceptive chalice of perception at your lips, as you’ve earned the right to judge me as harshly as you want to.

As I said, I am in an altogether new level of wilderness, some things have remained the same. The rain is still with me, and it refuses to be quiet at times, much to my (your?) fury. Rains, I’ve found, are like good poetry. You can only enjoy the rain when you’re completely immersed in it or when you hear it in peace – something I have been able to do recently. I genuinely feel that people who appreciate rains also appreciate the subtler things in life. Night rains are a different beast altogether. They resemble the subconscious that roars and drops while you’re asleep. People who love the night rains are generally on the road to self-awareness, I feel.

Beyond that, there’s a notable dissonance between my heart and my mind.

My heart beats differently here. It’s very.. happy. And it isn’t used to it. Just like an 11-year-old Harry Potter was confused about being told that he was a wizard, my heart is befuddled about being happy. It is joyous and chirpy, while also being anxious and wary of this entire episode being a sham. And the nags of anxiousness come from my ever skeptical mind – which is not its fault either. My mind is the centre of logic, and logic doesn’t accept anything which defies trends.

As you know, I’ve been fighting the dark for a while, and slowly it has become my comfort zone. Now, I’ve been ushered into the light, and it is scaring me. Not because I’m pushed into something different, but because the I’m so used to the dark I’m scared that the light may hurt me or blind me. I may be darkness’ step-son, and I’m afraid of the unacceptance of light.

Let’s put it this way; I’m not afraid of the light as a vampire is. I’m anxious about it as Batman is, cause without the night, both him and I are nothing.

I need to adjust to good now. I need to adjust to some acceptance, and I need to adjust to belongingness. I need to balance the hands on my shoulders and the hugs. I need to adjust to being happy.

Am I being too whiny? Are my questions valid?

Anyway, glad to finally reach out to you again. I’m sorry, I am terrible at apologizing and reconcillation.

Your stargazing apprentice;


Yours Truly; You.

Dear Future Me;

I hope, first of all, that this letter finds you. Secondly, I hope it finds you well.

There are many theories of how a future self can help a younger self, but knowing me so far I can tell you that you, from the future, wouldn’t change a thing or give me any word of advice. That’s because you’re still me, and I firmly wouldn’t go back to any of my even younger selves. I wouldn’t change a thing – no righting a wrong, no advice to aid in protection, and no reliving old good happiness – as I deeply understand that I am what I am because of what I’ve seen, done and learnt.  And since I – and we – are thus so self aware that we know what we have been through is what shaped us, you wouldn’t send me a letter even if you could.

So then, now comes the part where I talk to you about why I’d like to tell you some things.

I cannot hope to be a teacher to you here, as by simple mathematics you have more years in you, which includes more experiences and lessons than I in my current state can finitely hold. I do, however, distinctly hope that within these words I can be a reminder to you about the things I remember now but are maybe forgotten as I approach your age. These things are small things, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t significant enough.

Picking up on that note, I want you to remind you of the lesson you learnt while on a walk back home one fine evening when you were struck by the idea of a letter you could write. The idea struck you, but for months at long you couldn’t work out a way to formulate it into reality, so you let it be. The subconscious (a thing which fails me today, hope you have it figured out better) however, didn’t let it go, and sat on it for a good two years until one fine night it hatched into a piece of detailed inspiration; and you sat down to write it then; which eventually turned out into what you’re reading now.

You must remind yourself constantly that ideas need refining, and they mature and evolve at their own rate at times.

You must also recall the realisation you had that night; that even if you had the refined idea on the footpath during the walk, you wouldn’t have been able to pen it down the way you did two years later. You accepted the fact that back then you had just begun writing, and the idea you had required much more sophisticated skills than the ones in your arsenal. Within the next two years our growth of skill was precocious – as defined by the use of precocious – and thus you managed to jot the idea down to the justice it deserved. Maybe you, as a reader now can say that you can do a better job, and thus by making you realise that I have done my job today.

You must remind yourself that skills improve with practice and time, and some projects and achievements require different levels of the same skill set.

Throughout my life so far, I have been a terrible starter. Part of me hopes you’ve rectified that in the span between my today and your today. Part of me thinks it’s something that we just are, a klutz who just starts slow. If in case it is the latter, I want to remind you of how you always manage to grow into the role eventually, and douse the fires of people questioning you. People questioned us before and after our +2, and while it took a different amount of time for both cases of growth, we eventually ended up getting respect, admiration, and most importantly, credit. We learnt from where we were, and picked ourselves up to raise our heads high.

You must remind yourself that a slow start can always be the backbone of progress, that a man’s development may be gradual or rapid; but it should be positive and upwards.

Decision making is a part and parcel of life, and you know that as much as I do, probably even more. So if you’re facing pain due to a wrong decision or fearing pain due to it, I want to remind you of all the wrong decisions you’ve made. I want you to recall all the setbacks you think they’ve given, including the regrets, losses and, pain. Think about how they were insurmountable then, impossible to escape from. Think about how you had almost forgotten them before I asked you to reminisce about them. And I want you to then see where you are right now.

You must remind your heart that life keeps on going; anyhow, anyway, anytime, anywhere.

You must remember our first love. Not because of the cliched notions of first love but because I am so much of myself because of it, I am sure you’re much more thanks to it. Turns out, our first love was our greatest teacher which inflicted a great punishment – but that punishment reaped lessons. I want you to remember the sweetness of it, the pleasant nothingness of it. I want you to recall the passionate, irresponsible, and irrelevant happiness it caused. After that, I want you to remember succinctly why you let go the idea of love. Both, you and I know we did love after that, but we focused on being something worthwhile. We realised that a knight in a shining armour has neither his mettle nor metal tested. Yet, we needed love and it got to us from people we never thought would, and from places we never even thought twice about. Recall and reassure that belief in you that love has its way.

Keep reminding yourself that love will find you when you most need it, and it will heal you where you most need it.

It has always been our story – to seek redemption or esteem via the batons of acceptance and tolerance. So far, I seem to have failed to grasp those batons properly. Acceptance has led to a spike in my ignorance, and since I do not like ignorance, I opt for tolerance. And tolerance tests my patience. While I am currently swinging between the two, it is an imperative need for me to find a middle ground, which I hope you’ve achieved. If not, you continue to struggle to this day. I want you to remember the struggles in all accumulation, as someday it will bear the fruit of a result.

You must keep on reminding yourself that neither you nor I am the finished product, that we still share some flaws and needs some things to iron out.

So, there you go. I hope you’ve enjoyed a this little flashback as much as I look forward to becoming you. Of course, there in the future you may disagree with what I seem to have staunchly vested on, and if that’s the case, I’d love to stumble upon the idea and see if I can refurbish what I have here.

Before I take your leave, I hope I put a smile on your face.

I remain me,

Yours truly;

Letters to Celisen, May 21 2017

Dear C;

Over the past few weeks I haven’t heard from you. I’m sure that is a reason of each of our well being, which points to neither of us actually having the need to call upon each other. I actually find it rather relaxing that the only way to reach out to you is by the old fashioned letter written in solitude,  in spite of the hundreds of other ways available at our disposal to impede the sanctity of one’s time.


Read more at: The Best Of Halfway To Asphodel: 2015-2017!